When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. – Alexander Graham Bell
Isn’t it funny how relationships can bring us so much happiness and pain at the same time?
Relationships can add so much value to our lives, or damn near destroy them.
Relationships can bring so much love, but they can also be the source of the worst emotional pain it’s possible to feel – heartbreak.
Yet we all want em anyway, right?!
Because love is a drug, the best feeling it’s possible to feel, and we’ll risk everything to feel it – even having our hearts broken.
I strongly believe that people do not enter our life by chance – there’s a purpose for everyone we cross paths with. There’s always a lesson to be learned in relationships – sometimes people connect with our lives to teach us, sometimes we are the ones who serve as the lesson for someone else.
And as painful as it can be to have someone leave your life, it’s important to seek out that lesson and apply it to the next relationship that comes around.
That’s how we grow, evolve and become the highest versions of ourselves, which we can then offer to someone who deserves that version of us.
I have manifested many things in my life, but my soulmate is not something I’ve managed to do just yet. I’m working on it, but on reflection, I can see that there were many lessons I needed to learn before I was truly ready for a love like that.
I’ve learned those lessons, mainly through dealing with a lot of heartbreaks and painful experiences concerning relationships.
I’ve learned how to identify what I really want from a relationship, I’ve learned how to love and forgive myself, I’ve learned how to heal a broken heart – all of which I’ll cover in this post.
Whether you’re healing from a romantic breakup or you’ve lost a friend or family member – these tips will help you heal and recover quickly.
Turning the pain of heartbreak into clarity
When I decided I wanted to manifest my soulmate, the first thing I did was write out a very detailed and specific list of exactly what I wanted him to be.
His physical attributes – everything from his height to his eye colour. His personality, his lifestyle – even what his family and friends are like.
I wrote about how our relationship would be, what we’d do together, how we’d communicate with each other, and most importantly, I wrote about how we’d make each other feel. I wrote it all out in the present tense – not ‘I want’, but ‘he is’.
Every time a man enters my life and it doesn’t work out, I revise that list. I add the qualities I liked about that person if they weren’t on the list already. If there’s anything I didn’t like about that person – for example, if the person turned out to be immature – I add the opposite quality, mature, to my list to ensure I don’t attract someone who is immature again.
This is a powerful exercise because it helps you to see the clarity that a failed relationship can bring.
There are qualities I would never have considered putting on that list until I experienced how I felt with someone who had them. This list exercise helped me to clarify what is really important to me in a relationship, and discover things I didn’t even know were important to me.
But the best part?
I have noticed that since the day I wrote that list, the men who have come and gone have had every quality I’ve asked for.
I also seem to be attracting a lot less of what I don’t want with every revision of the list too – simply by turning those don’t wants into do wants.
It makes me feel like I’m getting closer.
At this rate, I know that when the time is right, my list will be perfect and the person who matches it exactly will appear.
So now it’s your turn.
Make a detailed list of exactly what you want in a friend or partner and how your relationship with them should be. As the universe presents different options to you and they don’t work out, revise your list. Every relationship failure gives you more clarity on what you do want. As you discover them, add those things to your list.
Have faith in your list. It really works!
Talking through your feelings
Just this weekend, I went through a situation where I had to walk away from someone who wasn’t treating me the way I wanted him to (he gave me a lot to add to my list, LOL).
When it first ended, even though it was me who chose to walk away, I still felt wounded. It wasn’t easy to leave, as there was so much that I liked about him.
I felt so conflicted, I had all this confusion in my heart and it really got me down. Instead of talking to my friends and family, I kept it all in. I felt like I didn’t want to bring anyone else down with my problems.
But keeping all this energy bottled up ended up manifesting in a negative way – I snapped at my best friend – which I never do.
I shut everyone out.
I told myself that no-one could help me because no-one truly understood what I was going through, which made me feel isolated – making the situation even more painful.
That’s exactly what happens when you keep things bottled up. Negative emotions have a way of festering and manifesting into negative thoughts that spiral until you lose control.
I saw what I was doing and decided to get over myself. I reached out to my friends and instantly felt so supported and loved.
Talking the situation through was a good release of pent-up energy. But here’s the best part:
The universe can speak to us through other people.
And sometimes, a little chat with someone else can open your eyes to a whole different perspective on the situation. This is what led to the next step, which turned out to be very important to my healing process:
Relationships are about two people and that other person will always have their own perspective on what went wrong. It can be hard to see that when we’re hurting.
But self-reflection always helps me move forward by allowing me to see the situation from all angles and understand it better.
Even if you’ve done nothing wrong, ask yourself this:
Did you do right by yourself?
In my most recent experience with heartbreak, after discussing the situation with my cousin, I discovered that although I claimed to know exactly how I wanted to be treated, I settled for less.
I’m proud of myself for walking away eventually, but I stayed for much longer than I should have.
I was frustrated that his actions weren’t matching his words, but mine weren’t either.
I was requesting to be treated a certain way – the way I deserved – yet sticking around, even though that request wasn’t being met.
That also made me understand why he behaved the way he did – I guess he realised he could get away with it.
Now I’m more motivated than ever to take this insight into my next relationship and I feel so much more prepared for it.
Without self-reflection and considering my part in what went wrong, I never would have discovered this and probably would have gone on to continue that behaviour in my next relationship.
This isn’t blaming yourself or beating yourself up – this is looking at your behaviour and seeing where you can make improvements for the future.
Self-reflection entails asking yourself questions about your values, assessing your strengths and failures, thinking about your perceptions and interactions with others, and imagining where you want to take your life in the future. – Bob Rosen
Pamper yourself and make sure you look good
We all hate to admit, but going through a heartbreak can make us feel a little sorry for ourselves.
‘Why does this keep happening to me?’ ‘What did I do to deserve this?’
That kind of thing.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve been hurt. You know you’re a good person that deserves an amazing love, and it’s not fair.
Be kind to yourself. When someone else’s love has been ripped away from you, replenish that with your own love.
Treat yourself to a face mask, have a long, hot bubble bath, paint your nails, get a haircut, do anything that’s going make you feel fresh and look good.
This next part is important.
I know it can be tempting to veg out and make no effort when your heart is broken. You think things like – why bother with hair and make-up when I have no-one to impress anymore? Right?
Except you do have someone to impress.
Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else’s right now. When you’re dealing with a breakup, it’s not unusual for your confidence to take a big hit. So, you need to make sure that you like what you see when you look in the mirror.
In fact – every time you look in the mirror, it should be a reminder of what a catch you are and how crazy that person was to let you go.
Of course, love is not all about looks or physical attraction but I do believe that when you feel you look good on the outside, that prompts a powerful response from the inside.
Confidence is key, and you need a lot of it to recover from heartbreak.
So, don’t let your routine slip. Get up, shower, and do yourself up until you like what you see staring back at you in the mirror.
Give yourself time to heal
Healing time will vary from person to person and situation – the relationship that’s ended will have a lot to do with how long it takes to heal from it.
I know that during the end of a relationship, there is a lot of emotion and it can feel like you’re never going to feel better.
It used to take me ages to recover from heartbreak.
But as I’ve become more spiritual, I’ve noticed that it now takes a lot less time.
You will probably find that you’ll want to spend a period of time in bed or on the sofa, doing nothing but crying, eating chocolate and watching Netflix. It doesn’t sound like the most productive advice but I say give yourself that time!
If you force yourself to do anything before you’re ready, you’ll just end up feeling frustrated when you can’t do it. Writing is normally my outlet, but this weekend I was so upset I couldn’t even bring myself to do it. So instead, I gave myself that time. And when I was done with that, I was feeling more inspired than ever.
It’s like training your muscles: you stress them with heavy weight and then they inevitably get sore. You can’t train those muscles again for a period of time because they need to rest and recover. Sometimes, our healing works the same way. A little downtime is so necessary to heal and come back stronger.
Channel your heartbreak stress into a workout
I love exercise so much – I couldn’t imagine my life without it.
Amongst it’s many, many benefits – it’s also one of the best ways to deal with a heartbreak ever.
Here are my top four reasons.
One – it gives you something to else to shift your focus to. When you’re in the middle of a run or lifting some weights, it takes so much energy and focus that there’s no room to think about anything else.
When you’re dealing with something as all-consuming as a heartbreak – even half an hour of distraction from those thoughts can bring such relief. And even if thoughts of your situation do pop up, you can channel that pain and anger into your workout, knowing that it’s only going to make you look and feel better at the end of it.
Some of the best workouts I’ve ever had happened while I was dealing with heartbreak!
Two – I feel so light and refreshed after a workout. My mind is clearer, I can focus – and I just feel like that sweat coming out of my pores is releasing so much negative energy – it’s therapeutic. I visualise toxins and negative energy sweating out while I breath in fresh, healing energy. As I strengthen myself physically, I get stronger emotionally too.
Three – Endorphins. That natural high you get after a workout is something everyone needs after a breakup. When your heart is broken, can you really afford to pass up free happiness?! I have never had a good workout and not felt amazingly happy after it. It’s the best natural mood booster!
Also – knowing that you’re in emotional pain but still getting up to work on your body and do something for you will make you feel so proud of yourself. It might feel like the last thing you want to do when you’re sad – but trust me – it’s one of the best things you can do.
Four – Revenge body. Need I say more?
Reverse the ‘damage’
Over the few days that I was upset over my situation, I spent a lot of time complaining to friends, making a lot of negative statements about my love life and revisiting some painful limiting beliefs I thought I had healed.
Once it was over, I ended up feeling like I’d severely ruined all my manifesting efforts in the process. Here’s why I was being silly:
I hadn’t ruined anything. I use the word ‘damage’ very loosely here because the universe is always responding to what’s happening right now – not what happened in the past or even ten minutes ago.
Plus, all that negativity turned out to be a good thing – it helped me to identify thoughts and beliefs I still need to heal. So, here’s what I did.
I took some time with my journal to write out all the negative thoughts and beliefs I had spoken over the last few days, crossed them out and replaced them with more positive statements and realistic affirmations that contradicted them.
I took the time to shift my perspective and focus on the positives of the situation. I took some quiet time to meditate, pray and get my mindset back to a more positive place and guess what – I felt better.
But most importantly?
You WILL think negative thoughts during a heartbreak. You WILL feel negative emotions and more than likely, some old beliefs may crop up if the situation is similar to something that’s happened in the past.
And that is OK. You’re only human.
You’re not going to undo all your hard work or attract any more negativity as a result of these thoughts and feelings if you make a conscious effort to accept, understand and work through them.
Understand how the universe works
We’ve come full circle – because understanding this about relationships is the key to healing from heartbreak:
Relationships help us to learn, grow and evolve.
Relationships teach us about others, and they teach us about ourselves. They bring us clarity on what we do and don’t want.
There is a lesson in every relationship we have, whether that’s platonic or romantic.
And sometimes, when that lesson is learned and that person no longer serves a purpose – they’ve got to go so we can have room in our lives for the next relationship and the next big lesson.
If we’re not recognizing or accepting that it’s time to let a relationship go, the universe will eventually step in and remove that person for us.
When we’re not ready for a relationship to end – that is the most painful thing ever.
But the universe knows what and who is best for us. We might be holding on to someone and blocking ourselves from someone who could make us 1000x happier than that person ever did.
As hard as it can be during times of heartbreak – we have to know that it’s happening for a reason. It’s teaching us something and the sooner we stop resisting and start accepting, the faster we’ll move on and discover what’s really meant for us.
Phew! It felt good writing this. I hope reading it was as healing for you as writing it was for me.